“Is this what hell is like?” Sentence uttered by B in the trenches of the Hot Doug’s line.
Yup, we went to Hot Doug’s only a few weeks before it closed its doors forever. B and McD were Hot Doug’s virgins while Howe was a seasoned pro. After checking yelp reviews the night before, we realized that the already-long wait for Hot Doug’s on a Saturday had been tripled due to it’s imminent closure. We decided to get there at 9am, which is a full hour and half before it opens. We rolled up, Starbuck’s in hand, thinking we were ready for this, maybe a 4 hour wait. Nope, a grande latte ain’t gonna get you no help when the line at 9 AM is already a over a block long. Should we even tell you how long we ended up waiting to get our dogs, or is that shameful? Let’s just say Howe had to cancel a hair appointment and it was McD’s dinner time (McD is a grandma btw).
While other people in line came with snacks and fold up chairs, we came with all of the conversation building up between us after not having seen each other for 2 weeks/1 weekend. There were wedding stories, Riot Fest stories, work stories, etc. Unfortunately, we were able to catch up in like 20 minutes. And then we stood in silence for the rest of the time. JK! We all shed tears from laughing and McD almost pooped her pants about 5 times. People in line were jealous of our friendship. JuSt 3 fUn-LoVinG gUrLz! (In hindsight, were we really so hilarious and on our A-game or just delirious from lack of sitting/eating? Either way, people wanted in on this fun.)
Speaking of people being jealous of our friendship, there were 2 ladies behind us who wanted in on the lolz but were unbearably unbearable. We here at NJB are all about promoting fellow females (#feminism) but man we were losing our wits with the banalness and self-promotion of these ladies. One kept bragging like she was an expert at the Hot Dog’s line – they had been there once.
Around hour 4, a man came by and started to heckle the people in line. If you have ever waited in this line before, you may know that this happens. When he came around the 3rd time he whipped out his razor flip phone and started taking pictures, claiming that he writes for an international blog called “Line Waiters.” NJB was hysterical – people were confused and mildly pissed.
Howe may have mentioned that cuties frequented this establishment. And on this day there were… none? With the exception of one fellow who kept walking past the line to go to the bathroom. Later, we embarrassed ourselves by openly discussing him (the usual.) B suggested we ask if he is from Tennessee… we really were losing it.
As we finally got to the end of the line, there was a vintagey quarter button-o-matic machine. B quickly figured out that Canadian quarters worked (Howe & B happened to have a plethora of Canadian coins on hand – don’t ask- [we went to Toronto to see Drake In Concert.]) Basically we got discount inappropriate pins, and wow we were excited to get rid of those coins. Sorry Doug!
McD: I got the Fire Dog (currently named after some relevant actress I already forgot the name of) and the Uber Garlic something-or-other sausage (forgot the real name of this). The garlic one was so special and I was so happy I was able to eat the whole thing. There were cloves of garlic, a bacon-garlic mayo, and little mini cubes of jalapeño cheese, ughhhhhh. I had garlic breath for 48 hours (I’m honestly not even exaggerating, and I brushed my teeth like 10 times) but it was so worth it. The Fire Dog was also extremely good, just enough spicy, and I can confidently say these are the best 2 hot dogs I’ve ever had in my life. Also, those duck fat fries, why aren’t all fried made like that? The world would be a better place. Also also, the Green River in a glass bottle was much appreciated.
Howe: We all went in on the duck fat fries – I knew they would be a friggin hit. I went with my standard fire dog and then went BTTW with the specialty spicy chicken sausage – covered in blue cheese!? I died. Maybe the best I eva had. It was all so wonderfully Chicago. Glad I went one last time.
B: I love a good corn dog, so had to get one of those. Better than any other corn dog I’ve ever had, even ones from the freezer. I also got the spicy chicken sausage and the blue cheese was so melty and delicious. Worth a super long wait? Probably.
Despite the possible varicose veins we developed after standing for ? hours straight, it must be admitted that Hot Doug’s is amazing. If you have a free afternoon, why not spend it with your lady friends chatting in some half beautiful/half rainy weather while waiting for some gourmet hot dogs? Except, you know, you won’t be able to any more. R.I.P. Hot Doug’s, you will be missed.
And if you really feel the need to wait in outrageous lines for food, might we suggest the new Shake Shack? But go soon- before the lines get too manageable.